The Freedom of Forgiveness

OK, so this morning we're continuing our series that we're calling Getting Along for Biblical Strategies for avoiding locking horns with other people but having good relationships instead. And a couple of weeks ago, we addressed speech. I got to talk about me and my big mouth. And then the next week, Pastor Dave talked about truth telling. And so today, we want to focus on forgiveness now, even if you're not.

A church person, you probably can say the Lord's Prayer, you know what it is? Jesus said in response to the disciples saying, oh, teach us to pray. He said, well, OK, pray then like this. And he gives a mental map of the kinds of things that we should pray for. 

And he says this, “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day Our Daily Bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

So in teaching us what to pray for Jesus. Directs us to forgive. And he's instructing us to say in verse 12, you know, forgive us our debts as we

also have forgiven our debtors, and that as means in the same way or in the same measure. And even more distressing, right afterwards he presses the issue and he says he skips everything else and he just zeroes in on the forgiveness aspect as though we might have a problem with this. And he says, for if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

I think that raises a lot of questions. Who's with me on that one? But I don't want your questions to smother the clear idea that Jesus is getting across. And that is don't be unforgiving. But simply knowing that we should or must forgive doesn't make it easier. And so you know. Why is it so hard to forget? To forgive your husband who has not been the husband or father you had hoped for. To forgive your wife who has ridiculed you in front of other friends or neglected you at home.

To forgive your boss who treats you poorly. To forgive your coworker for uncaring and cynical comments. To forgive your friends who have disappointed you or excluded you.

Why is it so difficult to do and how can we find it in ourselves what is necessary to go ahead and do it? And why is it so hard to ask for forgiveness, to come clean with other people and admit wrong and humble ourselves and receive the forgiveness that we don't deserve, both from God and from other

people that we have hurt? Now, over the years, what has helped me is a

clear understanding of what forgiveness is and what it isn't. And how best

to ask for it? And what I need to remember that will increase my motivation or willingness to forgive. So today I want to ask and answer 3 questions. 

“Jesus requires us to forgive.” (Matt 6:14-15)

I. What is forgiveness? 

A.What it isn't…

B.What is it?

II. What if I need to be forgiven? And what if I need to forgive another person? 

First, what is forgiveness? Well, I found that we tend to confuse forgiving with other responses which are not necessarily wrong, but they're clearly not the same as forgiving. And if we're to understand what forgiveness is, we need to blast a little bit and get rid of the debris so we can see exactly what forgiveness really is. So let me tell you what it isn't first. 

I.What it isn’t. What can I muster up? How can I motivate myself to do that? So let's do it in that order. 

First, it isn't explained. You know, I really didn't mean to hurt you. This was just a terrible misunderstanding. It's a big mix up. I said this, I did that.

But you thought, let me explain myself. Now, explaining does have a place when we're confused or when we need understanding. But explaining is not confessing, and understanding is not forgiving. Further, it's not rationalizing. When feeling hurt, we might whisper to ourselves, You know, it's not so bad. It could have been a lot worse. We try to talk ourselves into it by saying, you know, it's OK, it's no big deal, just forget it. We just want to minimize the problem until it vanishes into insignificance. 

But rationalizing? There's a place for it to get some perspective, but rationalizing is not forgiving. And it isn't an excuse either when we excuse another person, we're just overlooking the offense or fault due to the circumstances of the offender. Like for instance, I'm not going to blame a person for rear ending my car if his brakes went out. Or if he hit a patch of ice.

I may excuse a grocery store checker's harsh demeanor if I understand that her teen just got picked up for drugs or she just has had a really bad day and she happens to take it out on me.

Burping is no sin against God, just bad manners. So excuse has a legitimate place, but it's not the same thing as forgiving. And it isn't bargaining either. Family squabbles often end with an intervening parent, which I called the referee striking this bargain. So like Billy, next time you have to share the cookie with your sister and Jamie next time you need to ask before you grab and punch him.

Right. So we do that. We say if you do this and you promise to do that, then

I'll forgive you. Well, that's a bargain. That's not forgiveness, that's a bargain. Bargaining passes for forgiving, but it's not the same thing. And it's not blaming either. When our bad behavior is spotlighted, sometimes we just point fingers elsewhere. It wasn't my fault, it was him. He's the reason I did what I did well. Shifting the blame to somebody else more deserving doesn't absolve me.

We do it instead of forgiving and it's not forgiving. Nor is it ignoring or forgetting. We say forgive and forget as if they're the same thing, but when we're really hurt, simply trying to ignore it doesn't help. You know, trying to forgive a wrong without forgiving is like trying to ignore a toothache or attempting to walk on an infected toe. You can for a time, but the slightest jar is going to revive the pain. Forgetting eventually may be the result of forgiving.

But it's not the motive, and it isn't the same as forgiving. And it isn't feeling bad or better either. I can see why we link feelings with forgiveness, you know,

For instance, when we need to be forgiven, we may feel tempted to try to feel badly enough to deserve it. So I feel so bad. I'm an idiot. You should hate me for what I did. As though feeling terrible makes me worthy of forgiveness. No, no, no. And when we're offended, we may think, you know, I'm going to forgive when I feel better about the situation.

As if when we feel good enough, we'll be able to overlook the wrong. Now the fact is, and you know I'm telling you the truth, you know exactly what I'm saying. Those who are hurt most, those who need to forgive, usually feel so miserable that time will never bring them to a place. Where they'll feel good

enough to let it go. 

Because they're still wounded. Biblical forgiveness has very little to do with our feelings, whether good or bad. 

Forgiveness is focused on our will, on our choices, not on our feelings. 

Forgiving another person may make you feel better, but it's not the same thing as forgiving. OK, So what does it mean?

Well, I found this simple definition to be really helpful.

“Not making you pay. For what you did to my satisfaction at my hands.”

And embedded in this definition are four key ideas. 

1.“Not making you pay for what you did to my satisfaction at my hands .

We instinctively know that a wrong has been committed. And so what do we want? We want payback. We long for justice to be done. And forgiveness does not let go of justice. It foregoes the demand to be the one who establishes justice as judge, jury, and executioner. That I have to be the one to do that. You can forgive another person. They still have to deal with God. But you have to be able to say I'm not the one to make you pay.

I made that decision. For what you did, in other words, I must decide not to make somebody pay for what they did, and not necessarily even to me. The truth is, you and I can take up an offense of another person, usually somebody that we care about or love, as if it were our own, as if we ourselves were sinned against. When our son was really young, one of his teachers said something unkind, untrue, and very unmotivating to him. He said, you're a loser. You'll never amount to anything. You know when I heard what had been said. My response was. Suboptimal. You know what I mean? It was not what

you would call Christ like. And what's interesting is that long after my son forgave the guy. I fought with hating him.

Even though he had never wronged me personally. But I needed to forgive him. So not making you pay for what you did to my satisfaction in forgiving, I must let go of the notion that that as the one hurt, I'm the one who gets to decide who has suffered enough. If I don't think you've paid your bill, I won't let you go.

But forgiveness lets it go and lets God determine the outcome. Not making you pay for what you did to my satisfaction at my hands. That I'm entitled to participate in the extraction of the payment. We may try to control some of the consequences by withholding love or respect or relationship, or by bringing up the offense to everybody who cares to hear years after, well, you know what he did to me.

Forgiveness releases that expectation. Not in my hands. They have to deal with God. So if that's what forgiveness is and I believe that it is. Let's think about the second question. 

II. We're going to look at what if I need to be forgiven? How do I put myself in that situation? And what if I need to forgive? We're going to take it in that order first. What if I need to be forgiven? What do I do now? Buckle up, this could get a little bumpy. You're all there. You are scared to death. You're listening. Who's with me on this? Just worried about this, OK.

So first of all, you have to admit that you're wrong. Forgiveness assumes that a sin has been committed as something more than a mistake. You have to  have to admit that you've been wrong according to God's standards because you can't be forgiven of something that isn't a sin. If it's just understanding, well then, just explain, you know, I mean, there are different things you can do, but if a sin has been committed, then forgiveness is in order. 

Have to say what the sin is and you need to be specific. As our children were growing up in the Walker household, we insisted that we always deal with our sins against others by naming them so our kids all too often, like all kids, were quick to say sorry.

And we would always say, well, but for what specifically? What wrong did you commit with the press? So after a particularly troubling day at our church, we had a few of those. I sat in front of a troubling computer, begging it to do some simple task and growing increasingly frustrated by its seeming resistance to me. And I'm getting frustrated and our daughter was fairly young then, came over, she sat down right next to me and very appropriately said, you know, dad, have you tried…? How do you know about this? And to which I responded, Melissa, if I needed help, I'd ask for it. And tears welled up in her eyes and she stood up and escaped down the hall to her room. And I knew I had done wrong and I had treated her badly. So, you know, with a minute of trying to gain some composure, I took a deep breath and stood up and took the long walk down the hall. And her door was closed and I knocked on it. And there was nothing, I heard nothing. And so I opened the door and I'll never forget. She was seated on the side of the bed, tears rolling down her face. And my heart was broken. And I said, “honey I'm sorry.” And she glanced up and asked for what?

What exactly did you do? Exactly. We need to be specific. And then be humble.

Don't let yourself get irritated when they press you for those specifics for the hurt party hearing vague generalizations. Doesn't inspire much confidence. 

Well, if I did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry. Oh really? Instead we should say I

was wrong when I spoke harshly to you. Or I lied. Or I let you down by not

doing what I said I would do. Now here's the fact. Sometimes we're not really certain what we have done. We know we have hurt the other person, we're just not really certain what we've done. And so we may need to ask in those

situations, help me to understand what I did. And then quietly and humbly listen to the hurt party respond before we take the step of admitting that we were wrong. 

And once we have it in our mind what we've done wrong, then we need to express regret. In our culture, the word sorry is a perfectly good word, but it's become dull with overuse. It actually means to express sorrow, not just feel sorrow. I'm sorry it is intended to express it.

Though the way that it's often used expresses nothing of the kind. It's stated sort of as a one word escape hatch, this sterile response to a perceived offense. Hey, you took the last cherry, Danish, Sorry. Well, they didn't mean

anything of the kind. In fact, a lot of what passes for repentance these days is nothing more than just a calculated attempt to get out of trouble. You get the sense that some people are simply saying sorry so you know you can get lost and they can get on with their lives. 

I love Bill Watterson and his now defunct Calvin and Hobbes Cartoon of his. It's just amazing because it's really written on 2 levels. It's written for kids, but really its adults, and he has such insight into the human condition. And so Calvin has a water balloon, and he's looking for a target. And he sees Suzy Durkins and Sploosh. She's absolutely smashed with this balloon. And what does he do? His response is, oh, what an awful thing I did. How I regret it now. I hereby resolved to change my evil ways. O remorse, remorse, remorse. How's that going over?

Well, Suzy Durkins pouncing. And he says my penitent sinners shtick needs work. 

That's not enough to go through the motions. I think you're probably like me.

Most of us have felt reluctant to forgive another who has hurt us because we perceive that they have little or no sense of the damage that they've done. And so what comes out of their mouth? Sorry.

Is absent of any real conviction. We don't want to forget. I get it. But OK, if you're the one asking, what if you don't really feel any regret? Well then you may need to ponder the damage. I mean, think through the implications of your words or actions. How has what I've done hurt you? How has it ruptured your trust in me or compromised my character or dishonored Christ? And you start thinking about that, you're going to start feeling something. And then you can consider the alternatives. How should I have done it? If I could relive the situation.

If I had a Mulligan, knowing what I know now, what would I do differently now? The answers may not be quick, and they may not be easy, but they're critical to creating a sense of regret in her life. And once remorse is born in you. Then you have to express it. You can't just feel bad. It was wrong to lie to you. It has undermined your trust in me. It makes you doubt anything else I say. If I could do it over, I would have swallowed hard and told you the hard truth.

OK, that's good. Will you forgive me? So we express our regret and then we ask the question, will you forgive me? You don't demand it. Forgive me.

You don't force it. I'm not leaving until you forgive me. Because as those who have injured other people, we don't have the right to impose some deadline on the hurt person's healing.

Instead, we should let the question hang in the air. Will you forgive me? And they may quickly offer forgiveness. There's lots of times I've done that and people say, yes, of course I forgive you. Or they may need time. They may say, you know, I can't right now. I didn't need to think about it, OK. Or they may refuse. No, I won't forgive you. I have a few of those people in my life. But God expects you to ask. Not manipulate the response.

And if they do forgive you, accept it humbly now you and I might hope. That the other person follows our lead, our great humility, and asks for our forgiveness for what they did. I mean, it's like, will you forgive me? And they'll go, yeah, yeah. And by the way, I will forgive you for a blow up. OK, That's very common. But what if they don't? You know, our pride might flare up and we might want to argue percentages. You know, I was only half the problem here, you are the other half.

They contributed as much to the situation as I did. And here's the thing, this is really hard to do, but this is really important for us to do. We need to be prepared to embrace whatever we've done wrong without trying to assess whatever they've done wrong. In other words, if 100% of the problem is 100%. Here's all the responsibility. Our part is 20% of the 100%.

And not refer to the 80%. You said I didn't think there was going to be math this morning. Do you understand what I'm saying? You accept all of what really is your blame and ask for forgiveness without referencing all the other things

the other person has done. 

God expects you to take full responsibility for what you did wrong. Without trying to minimize what you did wrong by pointing out what they did wrong.

Asking to be forgiven is difficult. It taxes our honesty, taxes our transparency, our humility. But, you know, granting forgiveness is also demanding. And the more deeply you and I are hurt, the more difficult it is to do so. 

III. WHAT IF I NEED TO FORGIVE ANOTHER?

Well, what if I need to forgive another person and I don't want to? Well, I've discovered at least three disciplines that soften my heart so as to make me able to forgive. 

A.Reflect on how God has forgiven you. So how has He forgiven us? 

●He has been gracious to you (Colossians 3:12-13) “Put on then, as God's chosen ones. Holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility,meekness and patience bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against.” Another read it with me. Forgiving. Read it with me “Forgiving each other. As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

The word used here for forgiveness emphasizes the manner in which he forgives. The word forgiveness here is a word that's related to the word, grace. It means freely. Or undeservedly. God forgave us even when we didn't deserve it. He gave. He forgave us completely and unconditionally when we put our faith and trust in Christ. Little grammatical note there. Africanness of each other is to be present and ongoing. Notice it says forgiving. Keep going.

But God's forgiveness of us is past and completed has been forgiven.

So it's clear that the Bible is expecting us to remember how God has completely forgiven us even though we didn't deserve it. Mimic him in our forgiving other people.

So our temptation is to offer parachute forgiveness with lots of strings attached. I'll forgive you if you come to me first, if I'm satisfied that you're sufficiently penitent, if you have suffered to my satisfaction, if I'm convinced you feel the depth of my hurt, if I think that you've learned your lesson, and if

you promise never to do it again. Now all those things are very good things.

And they might make us more willing to forgive. That's not how God forgave you. 

God forgave you graciously. And so. We should of each other and notice then

the result of forgiveness. 

●He has freed you. Revelation 1:5 says to him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by His blood. It means to unshackle. It means to release.

In fact, Jesus uses this word to describe. Cancelling a debt. Forgive us our debts. In God's mind, he released us from dragging around our failures and our mistakes and our rebellion. So our sins are no longer a weight chained to us. You know, there's not an outstanding warrant that's going to be brought up. When we stand before Jesus at the judgment seat, we're free. How does it feel to be forgiven like that?

● He has separated you from your sins. (1 John1:9) If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us

from all unrighteousness.

That word forgive is actually different from the other words. This one means to dismiss. It means

to abandon. It's used to describe divorce in the New Testament. He has sent our sins away. They're no longer in the shadows of my life. They're not darkening my path. I can move forward without having those things to find who I am. So reflecting on how God has forgiven me moves me to act in the same way toward other people.

B. And then give it time to heal. Ephesians 4:32. 

We should all memorize. “Be kind to one another tender hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.” And there you have that past and present aspect. Commentators have pointed out that forgiving in this command is in the present tense, and it suggested that it therefore implies this constant process. Forgiveness might take some time. Because forgiveness is rarely like deleting a text blip. It's gone. It's more like applying a clean bandage day after day that protects and allows the heart to heal in time. You have to forgive today and tomorrow and the next day, and the next day and the next day.

All the pain may not vanish the instant forgiveness is chosen. But it will heal in time if you don't grow impatient and pick out the scab. Now you're not waiting for your emotions to feel better, to forgive. You're deciding not to hold that person to the blade of your own justice, your emotions will follow and healing

will happen. But it's a decision that you make every day until you're healed.

And then just consider the awful alternative. It's no question that God commands us to forgive each other. 

C. Consider the awful alternative. Ephesians 4:30-32

Did you not know that even if you don't like the idea of forgiving? I don't really know if I want to do that. The alternative is actually even worse. You know what comes right before Ephesians 4:32 that one we just read be forgiving one another as God in Christ is forgiven you. You know what's right before that. “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, which you will do if you don't forgive.

By whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

All this is what happens if you don't forgive. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. 

Which means I'd like to see bad things happen to that person. The alternative to forgiving is bad. These terrible things can describe a believer. Nursing the hurt and not forgiving grieves the Spirit of God and even worse, poisons you.

Solomon, in his wisdom writes, “there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” Proverbs 14:12

 So refusing to forgive, trying to make another person pay for what they did at your hands to your satisfaction may seem right, and forgiving them may seem unfair. But the only alternative to forgiveness is self destruction. It'll kill you.

I will not forgive him. It may sound like punishment to the other person.

But it serves only to hurt the one who's already injured me.

A long time ago I heard somebody say, “ You know not sorry, not forgiving, is like drinking poison and expecting somebody else to die.”

That's true. Because if you don't forgive. With every passing day, you replay the hurts again and again in graphic detail and you're stung afresh with the sin against you and it eventually consumes your thinking. It blinds you.

Every time you see that person you bring up the same things and you bleed.

But forgiveness not only frees the offender, it frees you. So reflecting on how God has forgiven us will move us to act in the same way toward other people.

How can I not forgive when I so undeservedly have been completely forgiven?

By God, I may forgive. That doesn't mean that somehow that person is off the hook that you know, maybe you know, that they're not going to have to stand before God and deal with whatever the issue is. It just means that I'm not the judge, the jury, and the executioner. I entrust to God him, and whatever has happened, I forgive.

William Arthur Ward says it this way. I love it. “We are most like beasts when we kill, most like men when we judge, most like God when we forgive.”

As we've been talking about the scriptures and what Jesus wants. I'm sure that

for many of us. The names and faces or events. Have come up in your mind?

So I want to just address very practically a couple of things. 

Number one, if you've heard me talk about forgiveness, I want you to hear.

That Christ forgives you completely and forever when we put our trust in Jesus. In what he did, in dying in our place, for our guilt. He gives us complete forgiveness of all we've ever done or will do. 

And he starts a new life deep down inside of us. 

The question that we have to ask and answer is: Was what Christ did enough to make us right before God? And when we believe that what he has done

and we put all of our hope in him. We don't trust ourselves, we trust only what Jesus did.

We're saved, we're rescued. God transforms us, starts to work from the inside out, cleanses us completely. And has forgiven people.

We're to forgive. If you've never done that. Then we want to talk to you. You talked to a person that brought you. You talked to a person. Anybody. You can talk to Dave, you can talk to me. You can talk to any of the elders. Just say, what does it mean? I want to be sure that I'm forgiven and we want to help you.

2nd. If you have to, if God is nudging you, if he's poking you, don't. Don't push away his finger. If you need to go to a person. And ask for forgiveness. Then do it this week. Don't let it hang out.

You know, it's funny, Jesus in Matthew chapter 5 says. “If you're going to offer something at the altar, if you're going to worship, but then you know the Spirit of God brings a person up. That has something against you and you know it. Just leave it at the altar and you go. If they have something against you and you know it, go to them. Matthew 18 says If you have something against them, then go to them. In both cases, whether they've got something against you or you've got something against them, the initiative should be yours to take this step. So forgiveness is something that's really important to do, and Jesus is telling us to do it. And I'm telling you, do it this week.

Pray for the right time. Go through these things, think about how to respond, pray for your humility, ask, think about how God has forgiven you so that you have so you're going to forgive in the same manner and way. Also on the backside of the notes are a number of questions that you can work through with your life group or with your family. These are great questions for your family to discuss. 

You can talk with one of your friends over these things. You can just sit down and just go through the questions yourself and maybe journal or think about how you can do it. And then also. We actually had 1000 and after the first service people got greedy. But we forgive them completely. Thank you.

It's just a card and we actually have some around. If you could, if you didn't get one, we're going to order some more and, and we want you to be able to take a handful and give it to other people. So that's a good thing. 

What I'd like you to do is to take one of these cards and every single day just put it somewhere that you can see it. Put it in front of your mirror in the

bathroom, put it in your car. Put it in your wallet, put it in your purse and

and just go over it again. 

What forgiveness is, what it isn't. The steps of forgiveness and just familiarize yourself with it. And then every single morning when you get up there, if you can, if you can grab one of these on the backside, there is a prayer focus.

And I would encourage you and challenge you that every single morning when you get up, you make this your prayer and let's be gracious and forgiving people. We're going to use the prayer focus right now. So if you'll bow with me. 

Lord, you've made it very clear. That I am to forgive, and you have graciously.

And undeservedly separated me from my sins and paid for my guilt with your own blood. So we're asking that you would give me grace. Give us grace

to see others also as those for whom you died. And to help us forgive them. As you have forgiven me. Jesus, make us like you. Father, we pray in Jesus name and those who agreed said.