Telling the Truth in Relationships
We are in a four part series, our relationships. We talked last week, Steve spoke last week on me and my big mouth, which I probably should have given because it was more appropriate for me. But today we're doing the Relational Power of Truth. And then Steve's going to do a sermon called I was wrong, please forgive me. And then I'll do another message called The Relational Power of Kindness. And those 4 messages together will then lead us all the way to Easter.
So getting along. Bible strategies for avoiding this with others. And it's a great thing to avoid. Now my wife leaned over to me just before I stood up to speak and said, darling, this is not an outline. This is a book. So if you looked at the book in the bulletin, you're probably panicked already. But here's the good news. There's a timer. The first hour I finished with 27 seconds left. So I will do my best to give you the same treatment today. Will not be here at 2:30 in the afternoon.
Proverbs 3:3 & 4, “Do not let kindness and truth leave you. Bind them around your neck. Write them on the tablets of your heart. Then you will have favor
and good success with God and with man.”
Let me pray for us.
Father, we want favor. And good success with you and with the people around us. Will you guide us as we think together about this message today, dealing with truth, dealing with telling ourselves the truth, telling others the truth, being people who are deeply dedicated to truth. Will you guide us in that? Thank you for your great, great truth telling in yourself. We trust our time to you, and we pray in Christ's name, Amen.
LISTEN: Apparently, lying is the most common, habitual and forgivable sin in America.
Because in a recent survey, 91% of Americans said I lie on a regular basis. I routinely lie. Now, friends, I don't. I don't know where you would fall in that survey if I was asked, do you lie? I would say yeah. There's times when I do tell lies despite the fact that I don't want to. I know I shouldn't. Do I lie routinely? No, not anymore. Not since I was, you know, 7 and broke a window. And apparently the window broke itself according to what I said to my dad. So Americans seem to have this willingness to lie at the drop of a hat. National Geographic did a major research in 2016 to say why do we lie? 22% of the time a lie is a covering up of personal sin or mistake. 16% lying to gain economic advantage. 15% to gain personal advantage. Some advantages that's not financial. 14% to escape or avoid people.
I'm sorry I had a meeting that time. I can't be at your house for that deal because I don't want to be at your house for that deal 14% of the time. 8% to shape a positive image of ourselves to ourselves. We're lying to ourself. 7% lying with unclear motives. 5% lying to make people laugh. 5% to help people. 4% to hurt people. 2% to avoid rudeness or uphold social rules. From pathological liars who just lie. That's just the way they go about it. Why do they do that? It's their habit. They're into it. So these are the reasons that National Geographic said that we lie.
National Geographic research in 2016 revealing the reasons that we lie:
● 22% to cover up personal sins or mistakes
● 16% to gain economic advantage
● 15% to gain personal advantage–non-financial benefits
● 14% to escape or avoid people
● 8% to shape a positive image of ourselves to us
● 7% lie with unclear motives
● 5% to make people laugh
● 5% to help people
● 4% to hurt people
● 2% to avoid rudeness or uphold social rules
● 2% pathological liars who ignore or disregard reality
Now, I'm going to quote a source here. This I'm certain never been quoted from this platform before, and that's Oprah Magazine. And before I tell you what they said. I want to say I'm very aware it's not in the Bible or even the Apocrypha, and I am not recommending what they're about to say here. So
they had an article in 2014 that said.
Here are the four rules on truth telling and lying.
● Rule #1. Always tell yourself the truth. I would agree with that rule.
● Rule #2 Tell your loved ones as much truth as you can.
● Rule #3 Tell your acquaintances enough truth to maintain optimal connection.
● And #4 If you are desperate to kill a relationship, lie your head off.
So even Oprah understands that she didn't write the article, but even her researcher understands if you want to kill a relationship, you should lie because that is going to do it. So I want to think today about this question of what does it mean to tell the truth? And I want to assure you that it's a massive issue with God. But telling the truth is different than saying every last thing that comes into my mind. We're going to talk about that in a minute as well, but here's the situation.
Truth telling is a very big deal, and we need to figure out how to get better
at it.
What is the truth? It's a propositional statement that accurately explains reality. It is an accurate statement of what exists; thoughts, statements or beliefs that are in accord with reality.
It's nothing more than me getting it. Getting reality right There is a reality. And the question is, have I explained it truthfully, or have I not explained it truthfully? What is a lie? It seems foolish that we're talking about this because nobody has to be taught to lie. We're all, we're all naturals at it.
So what is a lie?
#1 Falsehood: It's a statement that is not true, that does not accurately represent reality
#2 Awareness: The person telling it knows it's not true. They're saying this and they know it's wrong.
And #3 Intention: They are saying it knowing it's wrong for the purpose of deceiving.
So if I have those three elements, then I have lied to you. Now, if I say something I believe to be true which is actually not true, I haven't technically lied to you. I can still 'cause you great harm. Now how do I fix saying false things that I think are true? I fixed that with better research.
How do I fix lying? That's a lot harder. That's a much bigger deal. We're going to talk about that a bit. So foundational elements of a relationship was the first thing I want to cover here. And the first one is kindness. If I am a person who has the best interests of other people at heart, I have a great chance for good relationships if I treat them with kindness.
Please understand that there is a difference between being kind and being nice. To be nice is to go along, to get along, to make sure everybody's happy. Totally conciliatory, never rocking any boats, never speaking up. I just want everybody to be happy and get along. I have a personal deep hatred for niceness. I helped a woman at a concert years ago. She was in a Walker having trouble getting to her place. I went and helped her get to a place, stashed her Walker behind her.
As I'm going back to my chair, a woman said to me, “You are so nice, and I just cringed. Oh, I don't want to be nice. I want to be kind. I want to have people's best interests at heart, but I also want to speak up when I should and say the hard things. I want to be safe. But I don't want to be known as a nice person who just goes along to get along.
What are the foundational elements of a quality relationship?
● Kindness
● Truth
● Trust
● Time
● Communication
● Commitment
● Compatibility
● Seeking the best interests of others (John 3:16, Philippians 2:3,4
So the first issue is, is this whole issue of am I a person of kindness, intentionally committed to the needs of other people.
#2 truth. We're going to talk about that this whole time. Am I going to be a Christ honoring, brother helping person by saying what's true? It's a concept in counseling called the differentiated person. That is a person who says what's true. And who keeps saying it? No matter how much they're pressured to stop saying it. So they're in a meeting, they say what's true, they get a bunch of pressure to stop saying it. They keep saying it, they get more pressure, they keep saying it. They're just committed to the truth and they're not going to back down. They're not going to cave in it. And it's a very, very great skill to have.
#3 Issue, trust. Am I the kind of person who does what he says, says what he does, shows up when he said he would show up? Who is not harmful? Who is committed, dedicated to the person? Am I the kind of person who is trustable? Trust is job one for ministers. It's a job one for spouses. It's job one for parents. It's job one for all employees. Until I am trusted by people, I'm not going to get anything done. Biggest mistake I ever made in ministry. I acted to fix a situation in a church before people trusted me. They did not trust me because I was new, not because I had done anything wrong, but because I was new.
It was a massive mistake. People didn't trust me.
#4 Time. If I don't spend time with people, I don't get close to them. Now it's going to be a good time. It can't be a big fight, but if I'm not with people to some degree of time, I'm not going to know them well.
#5 Communication, consistent interaction. I'm listening with curiosity and I'm speaking with clarity. Listening with curiosity, not with a rebuttal. Speaking with clarity to say here's what I believe, here's what's true commitment. Does the person really think I'm committed to them? I care about them. It's the famous thing we say in weddings, which is very powerful. I will be with you for
better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.
#6 Committed. I'm here.
So many people in America are looking for a person to go to bed with them for one night. We're looking for someone to get up with us for 22,000 mornings.
Those are two different people. I need someone to get up with me for 22,000 mornings and the reality is that God is calling us to be people with that kind of commitment to one another. If you're married, you know God. God commands us not to worry. But we do worry. We worry about the kids, the cars, the
house, the jobs, the neighbors dog. We worry about all kinds of stuff. But of all the things you have to worry about, don't worry about me leaving.
I will be here in 22,000 mornings. I'm committed to you in this marriage.
#7 Compatibility. That's not a thing that's automatic. It's a thing that's worked up to and then finally seeking the best interests of another person making a decision that says I care about their well-being. It's not a decision based on how I feel about him. There's been many, many, many, many, many times in the last 50 years where Kathy Gibson has not felt very good about me, and for good reason. But the commitment grows out of I am going to be a person who seeks their best interests. How could God feel good about us when we had our fists in His face? Rebellious sinners. Bent on our own way. And yet he says, ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son. That whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
At the right time, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. I had my fist in His face and He cared about me. Send His Son to pay for my sin, offering me forgiveness based on simple trust in Christ. He's committed to me. I'm not worthy, I don't have any merit. He just decided to make a commitment to me.
And Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard one another as more important than yourselves.
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”
#8 Seeking the best interests of others (John 3:16, Phil 2:3&4)
If I'm going to have great relationships, they've got to know that I'm committed to their well-being. They've got to see me as a person who cares about them. So I want to give you a primer on how to lie. It's a waste of our time, I know, but I'm going to do it. It's not an exhaustive list.
There's other ways to lie, but here's a primer on how to do it.
3.3Say what I know to be false. This is simply the bold faced lie, or some people call it the bald faced lie. It's just saying this is what's true. And I know it's not true, but I said it anyway
2. Simply or hint at what you know to be false. I don't actually say the lie, but I kind of hint. I kind of imply, I kind of say stuff that leans in that direction. Even though I know I'm leaning the person away from the truth and toward a lie, it's lying with an additional layer of deception.
I haven't lied, but I implied that I lied and therefore that this was true. Therefore I lied. Be silent when I know something is false. So I'm in a setting, something is said,
3.I know it's false, but I don't say anything. I just let it go. I'd be nice, I'll let it slide.
Very powerful concept in Genesis 3 when Satan is tempting Eve and the text says Eve ate of the fruit and she gave it to her husband with Her The grammar makes it clear that Adam was there the whole time. He listened to all the temptation. And he didn't say anything. He should have stopped it. He should have run the snake off. He should have said, get thee behind me, Satan. But he was quiet in counseling. It's called the silence of Adam.
It's the propensity that especially men have, all people can have it, but especially men have, husbands have who they should say something, but it's just easier not to. If I do that, if I'm silent when a false thing is being said, I'm joining in a lie.
4. Exaggerate intentionally to divert attention from my lie or my sin. So Dad says, did you have Tom in the car with you when you went to the ball game? I told you no students in the car with you. And the boy says, sure, Dad, I had Tom and 28 other kids with me. Well, it's his attempt to say no, Dad, I didn't have anybody with me. He's lying. Tom was in the car and there was not 27 other kids in the car, but he's lying. He's diverting attention by making this massive statement
5. Say a small thing that you know is not true. The proverbial little white
lie. Here's the problem with it. Lies only come in one color. And that's pitch black. They don't come in white. Lies only come in one size and that's 5 XL.
They don't come in petite. There's no such thing as a little white lie. All of them are big and all of them are black
6. Tele whopper
7. Leave out things when you're explaining things and answering a question. I can say all truthful things in response to a question, but leave out stuff. That's also true, and that should have been said. And therefore, by leaving that stuff out, I have lied
#8 Deceive about the order that events happened in. We had a very, very difficult case in one of my previous ministries where our accountant and our director of operations became pretty sure that a guy had stolen $67,000.
And they researched, they looked at Ledger's. looked at the receipts, looked at everything, and it came down to this question. The question was the order of some certain events. And the employee who was being accused was insisting
the order was like this. But then a text chain came out from 2 years earlier in which he himself had said something that made it clear he was lying about the order of it. We ended up releasing the man. We released him because he had taken the money and he had tried to deceive everybody and it was based on the order of events and it was just his word against his supervisor's word until the text chain came out. I can lie by telling the wrong order of events. I can lie by not answering the question I am asked, but by appearing to answer it.
In a meeting with our executive team years ago. A consultant came in. The first thing he said to us is you may have your laptop open for taking notes, but you may not work e-mail. You may not multitask. You must pay attention to what we're doing. About an hour in he stopped and he said I'm pretty sure some of you will work an e-mail. And I said no, none of that focus. Pay attention. You can take notes but no e-mail. About an hour later, he stopped again. He looked at a specific employee and he asked, “Are you working on an email right now? I mean straight out 20 people in the room and she said I was working e-mail earlier when you told us not to, but I stopped. That's true, she was working on an e-mail earlier when he told them to stop and she did stop.
But what was also true is that she was working e-mail again right now. She lied by answering a different question. Came out later that she had actually been working e-mail both times
10. disclose, not disclose something that you know, people don't think you know it and you don't disclose it. We had a situation in the same workplace where a woman wanted access to a certain software. The person who owned and managed the software didn't want to give it to her.
11. There was a big three month fight over the deal and it finally came out that the woman who was demanding access to the software. Had the access for two years already. She'd been in the back door for two years. She was just trying to get in the front door. She was lying. She was deceiving all of us about that. Use humor or sarcasm so that later when you're exposed, you just say it was a joke. Did you know I was joking? I've lied. I covered it up with humor, but I lied. Use a word which is different. In meaning than most people take it use a word in some less common, more nuanced meaning. Some of you are old enough to know this phrase. “I did not have sex with that woman”. Well, it depends on what the meaning of is-is. Some of you don't understand that, but thank God that you don't. OK, there is something called truth, friends. There is a way to accurately describe reality. There's not 2 truths. There's not my truth and your truth. There's one reality, so there's only one accurate way to describe it. There's only one reality. The Bible says there's something called truth, and we are all naturals at lying.
There is just one truth, one reality. So why does God love truth telling so much and hate lying so much?
1…..He is the embodiment of truth. Truth only exists because God exists.
If God didn't exist, there wouldn't be any such thing. He is the embodiment of truth. Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life.” Titus 1:2, “In hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised long ages of go. God is saying to us, I hate lying lips.: Proverbs 12:22 “Those who deal faithfully are my delight. He's an incessant truth teller.” That's why God loves it so much
2…..He hates it because Satan is the embodiment of lies. Jesus literally calls him in John chapter 8, the father of lies. If he's opening his mouth, he's telling a lie. He's deeply committed to falsehood, deeply committed to deception, and deeply committed to our destruction. Isn't it interesting that falsehood and destruction go together? He wants to destroy our lives, our relationships, our reputation, our finances, our businesses, our everything. He wants to destroy it all. One of his main techniques is through lying and deception
3…..We're commanded to be like God and truth killing. The 10 commandments Exodus 20. You shall not bear false witness against your brother. One of the 10 commandments is Don't lie. God hates it. Ephesians 4:25 Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. As believers, we're members of each other. It's ridiculous to lie to people in our own body that were that organically connected to. Why do we
not lie? Because it hurts others
4…..Lying hurts others.
5…..lying hurts relationships.
6. Lying hurts us. I lose integrity and I'm moved away from God
7…..truth telling helps everyone and everything
8…..lying brings bondage and truth brings freedom. Jesus said to those Jews who had believed in him. If you abide in My Word, you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free. Who wants to be in bondage? I mean, Matt was talking about today. Who wants to be in prison? We want to be free in all aspects. I want to be able to leave this building, get my car, and go to lunch. I want to be free in my heart. I want to be free in my mind. I want to be free in my relationships. We are free beings. We want to be free. And the way to freedom in this sense is to be a person who tells the truth
9…..because every lie is pure evil. Lies come in one color, pitch black, one size.
5 XL, that's the only way. That's the only size you can get them in pitch black.
5 XL now.
What are the benefits of being truthful?
1. I'm more like God. He tells the truth, therefore I tell the truth, therefore I'm like him or more like him.
2. People trust me more and more when I tell the truth. How many times have you lost trust in someone because you found out they lied to you? And you just say you can spend 10 years building trust and all eroded with one big lie or one small lie. You can just, it is amazing how long it takes to build trust and amazing how quick it goes away because I didn't tell the truth.
3. I'm less like Satan when I tell the truth. Here's a major one, especially for children. When I tell the truth, I don't have to remember what lie I told.
4. I don't have to remember who I told what lie to. I just have to remember what happened and every time I'm questioned about it, I say that thing. It's so much easier. It's so much less struggle and so much less anxiety.
5. I have favor and good success with God and man.
How to become a more truthful person?
The verses I quoted at the beginning of this message are the main two things I know about relationships. There's probably 800 things to know about relationships. I know two, “Do not let kindness and truth leave you. Bind them around your neck. Write them on the tablets of your heart. Then you will have favor and good success with God and with man.” Who doesn't want favor and good success with God? Who doesn't want favor and good success with other people?
All we need is 2 things. Be kind and be truthful. Be gracious. Say what's true, cut people some slack, and don't tell lies. Lookout for their best interests. So here's a big question that I want to close with, which is the question, How do we become a more truthful person? I will tell you the answer is not by sin management and promising myself I'm going to stop it. That's not the answer, but there are things I can do to become a more truthful person.
By renewing my mind, Romans 12:1. And two, do not be conformed to the image of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you can prove what the will of God is, that which is good, acceptable and perfect. The way that I began to become a more truth telling person is by immersing myself in God's book, letting my mind and
thoughts be shaped by God's book, be shaped by God. Thinking. Be
of truth, and begin to train myself to understand the difference. more like Jesus, be terrified with the bondage of lying, be enamored with the freedomI can't change my life without changing my mind. I can't change my life without changing my thinking
2. Discipling my heart. Manage the input in my heart. Here's the truth. What comes out of my mouth comes from my heart. There's a direct pipeline, direct chain link. What's going on in my heart is coming out of my mouth. I can't manage life by promising myself not to say stupid stuff anymore. I'm just not quick enough. My mouth is faster than my brain, and so I've got to manage what's in my heart so that what comes out of my mouth is the kind of stuff I would want to come out. Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23, “For the mouth speaks that which fills the heart.” I can't manage my speech with resolutions. I can't manage my speech with saying, I'm going to say what's true from here on out. I've got to be managing and discipling my own heart so that what comes out has already been vetted and changed.
3. By praying and asking God to search me. I just printed this week Psalm 139:23-24, to put in my Bible in which David says search me. O God, know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there's any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. I think it's a beautiful prayer to say God. Help me send your spirit to make it clear to me how I'm messing up here. Please, please work in me
4. By confessing falsehood to God and others if I have lied, going and saying to them I need your forgiveness because I lied to you. I need your forgiveness because I deceived you. Going to God and saying I need your forgiveness because you know that I lied. Opening myself up at every opportunity for him to, to look at me. Because if I keep it in darkness, it festers. It gets worse and worse and worse if I bring it into light. It's embarrassing, it's painful, I'm uneasy. But I have a chance for healing. I have a chance to deal with it.
5. By asking accountability and giving full permission to others to ask me questions. Being an approachable person. You see, we can train people in two ways. We can train them to never ask us hard stuff, because when they do, we just blow up on them. We just go off on them. Or we can train them to ask us hard questions, because when we do, when they do, we're open and gracious and willing to think about it. We're training other people how much we're going to tolerate them, asking hard stuff about our lives. So the question is, am I humble enough to hear a hard question about myself, or do I just want to maintain my image? Or this question, am I secure enough to know that I am much loved anyway, or do I just not want to risk that? Am I interested in being more like Jesus or do I just want to keep looking good? Is anybody allowed to ask me hard stuff?
6. By asking what it is like to be in a relationship with me. This is a very challenging question. I don't recommend that you try it on a whim. Go to the people around you, go to your wife or your husband and say, what's it like to be married to me? Please be prayed up. Please listen with curiosity, don't listen with response and defensiveness. What's it like to be married to me? What is it like to have me as a dad? What's it like to have me as an interim pastor? What's it like to have me as a friend? What's it like to have me as a neighbor? And then listen with curiosity. It can be extremely instructive. It's scary, but it can be extremely instructive.
7. By facing myself in the mirror and saying, are there ways in which I'm lying to myself? In the amazing novel called Brothers Karamazov, there's a character in the beginning named Father Zosema. He's a priest who's got some disciples whom he's training up. And one of the things he says, though about five times in the course of the book, is above all else, don't lie to yourself. Above all else, don't lie to yourself. Face yourself in the mirror and say, are there ways in which I am not being truthful
8. By memorizing Ephesians 4:29 and Proverbs 3:3-4
This has helped me so much in relationships, I cannot tell you how
much. It's called the conversational mantra. Here's the concept. You're going into a difficult conversation. You know it's going to be difficult. You've already thought about it, you've already talked about it. This issue's already come up and you're going to have to talk about it again.
And before you go into that conversation, you pray and you figure out.
What is the essence of what I need to say to this person, the distilled most important essence, and put it in a single sentence and wordsmith it to death and memorize it so that in the course of that conversation, if you talk one hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, you say this mantra 18 times.
Perhaps the mantra is this. “ I know you find these things to be funny.
But other people find them to be hurtful.” 18 times “I know you find these things to be funny, other people find them to be hurtful.” 18
times you talk about a lot of things. In two hours, person will go home, they'll lay in their bed, they'll say, I don't remember everything Dave said, but he said 18 times, “I know you find these things to be funny, other people find them to be hurtful, and you are giving them a chance to think about the core thing that's causing harm in their relationships.
It's a great service to them. And it's a great service to us because we don't have to go in not knowing what we're going to say. I think it's a powerful, powerful tool in relationships. A fellow taught it to me 20 years ago. I've used it incessantly. It's chapter 25 of my third book. And shameless plug there for that book, which I didn't give you the title of or anything
9. Bolstering my courage. There's a book we're reading as a leadership team right now called “The Art of Disagreeing”. And I want to Close with this
quote from it, “Bolstering my own courage about being a truth telling person. So the author says there. Perhaps my favorite aspect of the character of Christ is that he does not back down from the Pharisees. Even when the temperature is raised to the point at which they are seeking to crucify him. He still does not yield, not even the tiniest bit. He continually speaks truth to them even though it enrages them. He does not mince words. This is the essential counterpoint to his previous chapter.
Kindness, Kindness alone is not enough. If you're in a difficult disagreement and your only goal is to show kindness, you will be imbalanced, over focused on being conciliatory to the detriment of speaking truth. Now here's the critical sentence. We need to balance kindness, which is commitment to the person, with courage, which is commitment to the truth.
I must be a kind person committed to them. I must be courageous. And deeply committed to saying what's true in all of these settings.
Friends, Ephesians 4:29 Steve quoted last week. “Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, but only set your word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Secondly, Proverbs 3:3-4, “Do not let kindness and truth leave you. Bind them around your neck. Write them on the tablets of your heart. And you will have favor and good success with God and with man.” Truth telling people are the most trusted people. Friends, people who have great relationships, are truth tellers.
They don't lie to God, they don't lie to themselves, and they don't lie to
others. I'm not saying to blurt out every last thing that comes in your mind.
A corral has a gate in it, so you can let certain animals out and bring certain animals in as the purpose of a gate.
We have a gate in our in our mind, in our heart, on our mouth to let certain
things out and not let certain other things out. There's a difference between saying what's true and saying everything that comes into our minds. But the people who have the greatest favor with God and with others. Tell the truth.
Let's pray together.
Lord, we're deeply grateful for who you are. We're deeply grateful that you told us the truth. The truth about our sin. The truth about our lostness. The truth about our need. The truth about our hopelessness. The truth about what Jesus
did and what we must do. And you tell us the truth about our lifestyles, our relationships, our way of being. I pray there would be people who are imitating you as truth tellers. We need your help in Christ's name, Amen.